Behind the cut, all of the ficlets, drabbles, and Fanfic I've posted to LJ since joining in 2003. It's, um, a lot. It also makes me think I should start writing again since I haven't posted fic in nearly two years.

( Fanfic ahoy )

There is child support in my bank account.

Tears of joy.

Relief.

Unbelievable joy that I can apply to grad school this weekend.

Woot infinity!!

So good news first...

One of my oldest and dearest friends has invited the girls and I to move in with her in February. She and her fiance live in a sort of co-op house in Portland (30th & Alberta) which literally could not be more where I was aiming if it tried. This is *exactly* the neighborhood I was hoping we would land in. We would have two bedrooms to share, there are also two shared common areas and a full basement which has been turned into a rec room. It basically sounds brilliant. Centrally located to the bus, less than a mile to the train, 25 blocks(ish) from two high schools and two colleges (one private, one community). On the Alberta Art walk, which is a sort of First Thursday festival. Basically amazing. I was worried the girls wouldn't be up for sharing a space, but they are both over the moon excited at the possibilities. Yay!! We're going to do a dinner night, etc. to make sure personalities mesh and stuff, but I'm super excited too. Plus, all of the people in the house have or have had government jobs and/or jobs working with at risk kids and have therefore been through beaucoup background screening, etc. This makes me feel extra good about putting my kids into a safe environment, which is of course for the win. Yay!

And the less than good...

I still have a wicked cough and fatigue. This flu was nothing to joke about, and of course now that Bridgie and I are over everything but the cough, Gabby has it. Just yuck. The upsides I guess are that I lost about six pounds during the ordeal (and that's without ever having any tummy troubles, so woot) and my sociology teacher has been very kind and said I could turn my big giant paper in at the end of the weekend. So yay for having an extra week to turn in a quality product. Of course now, it really has to be a quality product, haha.

I am also still in the throws of trying to get child support. He's given me $450 in the last three months. I'm used to getting $700-900 a month, so you can imagine that this has hurt a lot. A LOT. I have $.80 cents in one account and about $50.00 in the other. I get paid in 11 days, so no amount of math is going to make that any easier. And of course, we got approved for Food Stamps, but won't see any money there until the first week of December. Hitting the food bank tomorrow, so we should be fine food-wise, but still stressful.

And of course the best part is that the ex once again called Bridgie last night and did his best emotional blackmail. He responded to her excitement about the move to tell her he 'hopes we have a nice little life in Portland' and that they can 'just forget about him'. He's a real class act. He also of course told her 'well, you'll get your money'. Again, he told the 13 year old (!!) that she'd get her money. Like she gives a SHIT about the money. What she wants is what every other kid at that age wants...a dad who is engaged in her life, cares about her triumphs (like being named Rotary Student of the Month for November), and helps her through the hard times. NOT someone who only calls her to 'pass messages' on to me, uses her emotional attachment to leave her devastated, and to further abuse her. There is of course serious irony here that since he met his wife and she and her kids moved in, he's the one who's having the 'nice little life' where he completely neglects and abuses his 'old' kids.

The only silver lining of course is that the girls are now very eager to move away and put physical distance between them and their dad. I think it will be wildly beneficial for them to have a hundred miles between them. If for no other reason than the fact that it hurts them an unbelievable amount to know that their dad drives by our house twice a day on his way to work and back, that he lives less than three miles away, and yet has not seen them in months except for a few chance encounters at his sibling's houses. It will be brilliant to not have that daily reminder that they are being ignored. For all of us.

So the plan is to move the last weekend of January (since my job technically ends February 1st). Not sure what balance of my stuff will go, what will be put in storage, and what will just get purged, but the whole thing feels like a real chance for a cleansing. So that's how I'm viewing it...as Luideag's second chance to wash me clean and let a new life fill our bodies.

I'm crazy swamped with school and work right now, so I am finding myself hopelessly behind on all of your lives...so I invent a meme, lol.

1) Tell me in two sentences (ish) how October is treating you.

2) Ask me two questions (ish) about me.

3) Give me two links (ish) that I should see.

4) Tell me two things (ish) that you are looking forward to.

5) Tell me two (ish) movies, TV shows, albums, or books I should be making time for.

I am in so much pain today I cannot function.

Literally.

Vicodin had no effect last night, or this morning, other than making me ridiculously groggy.

Doc has declared war on my Fybrocystis and is starting me on hormone therapy today. Progesterone and anti-inflammatory and possibly Meridia (to help me lose weight as my body fat isn't dealing with estrogen very well), but it doesn't look like the insurance will cover that, so going to have to come up with a back-up plan.

Leaving work in just a minute to go home and nap. I really must get some sleep because I have a metric buttload of reading to do before my class at 7 (which I would totally skip if we weren't having a test tonight) and then a lot of econ homework due by 11:45 tonight. I just could not bring myself to do homework for more than about 20 minutes last night. I just can't concentrate.

The pain is coming in 5 minute cycles. Every five minutes. Occasionally a little closer together. It's like a contraction of the boob. Yes, I'm having some alien boob baby and it's killing me to get out.

My life is made of suck right now. A love-in would not go without notice.

Running away now.

Just found out I received this award:

*OSU ALUMNI ASSOCIATION "IRONMAN" AWARD
Named in honor of the '32 OSC Football team and team member Bill Tomsheck '33, whose endowment was the impetus for this award. The Ironman awards were created to assist upper class students in extreme financial need complete their OSU education. Qualifications: Junior or senior status, minimum 3.0 GPA and extreme financial need as determined by the Office of Financial Aid.

Woot! Why yes, yes I would like a $2000 scholarship that I didn't even have to apply for.

Thanks BUNCHES OSU Alumni Association!

Your results:

Verbal: 580
Quantitative: 570

Yep, I'll take Kick Ass! for $150 Alec!

Wooooooooooootttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111!!!!!!!!!!!!1

GREs taken. Check.

Guess who just applied for graduation?

That's right...ME!!!!

161 credits down...19 to go baybee!

This is my work desktop...apparently I'm having an Eliot-centric week...



The Eliot wallpaper from this page (http://community.livejournal.com/tv_boyfriends/29772.html) is the one I have at home. nom nom.

Just received this email...

Congratulations Tania!

You have been nominated at No Rest For The Wicked Awards in the following categories:

Title: Intrinsically Cubist
URL: http://www.fangedfour.com/strange/intrinsicallycubist.htm
Categories: Once More With Feeling(best nc-17/pwp/kinky)

Title: A Triangle with Many Sides
URL: http://www.fangedfour.com/strange/trianglewithmanysides.htm
Categories:Not Fade Away(best essay or meta)

Much thanks to whomever was so kind as to nominate me!

1. Take a picture of your bag
2. Now dump everything out and neatly adjust them, and take a picture (no matter how embarrassing)
3. Talk about the items inside. Details!
4. Tag 6 people.



( pics behind here )

In other news...I think I have a date Saturday. Weird.

1. Leave me a comment saying anything random, like your favorite lyric to your current favorite song.
2. I respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be asked, you will ask them five questions.

bastardsnow asked me questions
( my answers are behind the cut )

So, Christian Kane is playing Dante's for the last time on Saturday Sept 5th. We're buying tickets in advance since it may sell out being the last show of the summer.

Let me know if you are planning on coming down (or up or west or whatever). We may do the House of Louis party before again since that was loads of fun too.

Wheee! Kane!

Wheee! essene made me pretties!

I'd try to post coherent thoughts about Leverage, but really, all I've got is CK pretty. CK hitting people, prettier. CK liberating Croatia? Hot.

The writing is sometimes iffy, the acting sometimes done by hairpieces, and the made up characters are, well, calling them inconsistent would be generous.

But still...new show love.

So, apparently I'm having a strange, well I'd say life. It's so weird when you find a therapist that works, the things that come up are intense and broad and scary when held up to the light. He's retiring next June, right when I graduate, so it's a good period for us I think. I'll be moving to Portland, so the goal is to be confident and put together enough to make the move by July. That's more than a little scary. I told him I could be his career's closing argument, haha.

In the meantime I've pretty much decided to focus on school, career, kids, exercise. I probably should have done this all along, but it's not always so easy. Focusing my life in will be a very important goal in the coming year. Must stop procrastinating.

That said...I've been sucked into Leverage, which only made sense after spending the last three Kane concerts elbow to elbow with the cast. Pics from the concerts are here. There was *way* too much spotlight on Christian for most of the show and I never did get a clear shot of Steve, but the show was an absolute blast! Extra fun because rainkatt and blacknblue2 made it!

I spent the last few nights going through all of my LJ posts, beginning to end, 2003 to the present. What a freaking roller-coaster! The goal was to make this list of all of my fic posted to LJ, but the result was that and a lot more. It forced me to pull some blinders off, make some realizations about myself, face some of my OCD behaviors, and to truly recognize my self-destructive relationship behaviors for what they are. Damn, that's scary too.

But all in all, things are going well. My kids seem to be hitting their stride and are actually getting along. I got an A in calculus and have a solid B in Econ that I am still trying really hard to turn into an A. The fall will be super intense with hard classes and a high school freshman and 8th grade and holidays without the boy, but I think I'll make it through. Did I mention how grateful I am to have found a therapist that gets what I'm trying to work through? It's a good time to be me. *mantra mantra mantra*

My dear friend Laura's partner was just on his way home from work...pulled over to the side of the road and had a massive heart attack. Died on the spot. He was 57.

In an hour I'll be headed to Portland to attend the funeral of my friend Shawn. He was in his 30s. Died of a blood clot in his lungs.

I have officially reached full capacity. I cannot believe the way this happens every year...everyone is fine, and then in a week I'll attend two funerals. And usually it's three.

God, I am clinging to my friends and loved ones. Please, let it only be two. I just cannot watch any more friends bury their lovers this week. It hurts too much.

Seriously.

New hair Came home from Writercon and decided I needed a new look.

Where are the writercon pictures?

Do you know how hard it was to pose in those boots?

*head desk*

I cannot believe I couldn't find my camera. I need photographic evidence of the debauchery.

Come on people....it's been 4 WHOLE days!!!

*bats eyelashes*

I am feel so close to tears today. I'm sure it's part post-fandom let down. Hard to go from a 5-day bender back to the real world where I'm a secretary. Part of it is missing my kids, not much fun going home to an empty house every night. I'm a social creature, I don't enjoy alone time even when I'm staying busy. Part of it is this horrible 24 hours and empathy for my dear friends as they go through this loss, and of course my own pain, as I considered him a friend and looked forward to his company. And I imagine part of it is just the general stress that comes with the last few weeks of the term. Lots to do to make it through classes and get through the GREs (for which I have yet to spend 1 minute studying).

I have therapy this afternoon and I'm just not sure I'll be able to do anything by cry...I guess that's what I pay him for. Or something.

I could really use affirmations today.

Just found out that the Boy's sister's partner passed away this morning. Shawn was a really sweet guy, just a big old bear of a guy with lots of health problems, but dealt with his challenges with incredible aplomb. When I went up for 4th of July we spent a lot of time together, his back was hurting, but he was otherwise feeling fine. This is completely out of the blue, he was probably the same age as me, or thereabouts. We spent a lot of hours together over the last few years, lots of holidays and barbecues, new year's and thanksgiving. He was always so inviting, welcoming me into their extended family with open arms. My heart just breaks for Naomi, she has already been through so very much this year.

So of course I will need to go to the funeral, it is inconceivable that I wouldn't, I'm just feeling awkward and unsure of myself. Partly because I emailed the boy today to tell him I was back and told him I was still missing him, although upon re-reading it wouldn't be at all awkward had he not spent his entire day comforting his sister as she went through this horrible thing.

Still, this is exactly why I think he was unable to give his heart to me, he was so afraid of what the first post-break-up family thing would be like. Of course neither of us could have imagined that the first time we'd see each other again would be at a funeral.

Just damn.

Ficlet requests?

For them wot's interested, my (slightly crappy camera phone) photos are over here on my facebook. (note: you do not need to have a Facebook to view)

It was a blast! We stuck around after the show, unlike last time, and got autographs and such. Plus as he was getting ready to head down to the green room he popped back up and said thanks for coming out, and hugged me & Melissa and a few other fangirls and took a few more pics and such. We decided to go early for the next show and try to get a few pics during the sound check when hopefully there won't be such a crowd vying for his attention.

It was quite lovely though. I got CK sweat on my ear when he hugged me. I think I'm officially a giddy fangirl, because damn...that's hot. haha! It was also lovely to run into callmesandy! We just don't see enough of each other!

Random...

Seeing Christian Kane again tonight. It's a rough life, twice in one month. But I forebear because I know how important vicarious fangirling is. There are a few crappy camera phone pics on my facebook for those who would like to see. rainkatt Shall we pick you up at 6:30 so we have time for dinner or is that too early?

Stayed up way too late watching Moonlight last night. It's oddly appealing. I've been in love with Sophia Myles since the first Underworld movie, so it's such a little fangirl treat to see her *not* a vampire. I'm about 1/2 way through the first season.

inkandchocolate & wesleysgirl...essene and another friend want to join us Saturday for tats at St. Sabrina's...I've decided to get 'To Thine Own Self Be True' around my ring finger. I'm not in a head space to get another large tattoo, so I think this is fitting for my current situation.

essene, hermionesviolin, neadods, sinaddict, and viciouswishes I'll email you about the fandom round table tomorrow night. I need to process a few questions so you have a bit of a head start :)

So other than that, yesterday I turned my C in Econ into a B, still about 6 weeks to pull it up to an A. Apparently having a devastating break up in the middle of a VERY hard class isn't the best thing. Who knew? At least I'm getting an A in calculus, which is an oddly appealing class. Note to all of my dear women friends....calculus is FUN, don't let people scare you about it. Seriously.

Eh, that's probably it. I think I'll shave my legs today. I've been avoiding it, because frankly, the day the boy dropped his bomb, all I could think was 'I shaved my legs for this, WTF? And really don't ever want to have to think that again. But, I've decided to wear the dress I was wearing when he dumped me, time to make a new memory in that dress, because I *really* want to wear it to writercon this week!

Things are getting better. I am still feeling terrible about the break-up (can I really even call it that), but I'm getting to the point where I only think about him 20 hours a day, instead of the whole 24, so that's progress.

A mix of emotions, but at least I'm not *eating my feelings*. I'm sticking to the plan, the plan being to keep working towards unfathomable hotness. Or at least the sort of body and self-confidence that will make potential suitors weak in the knees. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Well it's sure been a long time since I used this icon.

It's over.

I am absolutely devastated. I don't even know how to process this right now.

I am now going to watch 'Spin the Bottle'.

"Were we in love?"

"We were." (walks away)